Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
