Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
