The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
