i wish my penis had a tongue
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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