Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
zippers are such a cool invention
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.