guess who came home with a hottie last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.