I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?