I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
