I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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