margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
