I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize