last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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