You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
