Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
