I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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