...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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