I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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