I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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