Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
