Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They took my balls.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
