Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
