fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
