I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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