My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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