Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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