When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
