All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there