Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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