I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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