Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
