Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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