i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
