Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
