I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
