Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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