maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
