I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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