Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He? As in you personified your dick?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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