I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
