you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love having hate sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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