Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
