Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
