Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
