I want to make a zoo with you.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
