my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
