The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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