So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
