You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.