from now on my penis is your penis
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza