apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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