mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
