Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
