I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
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fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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