my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
