Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
