Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize