i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
