I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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