Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
