The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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