If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
