The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
