I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
